Monday, October 25, 2010

Finding Time...

When you are pregnant you come up with all these grandiose ideas of what having a child will be like. Well, at least I did. People you know, things you read and strangers you meet along your journey all tell you how important it is to take time for yourself. To keep doing the things you enjoy and get away on your own whenever possible. When I was pregnant with Diva I was delusional to think that the baby weight would disappear before I left the hospital. I would have a beautiful baby that was happy and slept well. I would have time to do all the things I had done before and the things I wanted to start doing. Before I had Diva I belonged to a gym. I was there religiously every morning between 5:30 and 6:00 and really liked going. During my pregnancy I gained 80 pounds and lost all motivation for physical activity. After she was born it was a struggle to find time to anything for myself. When I did have a minute the guilt of leaving her was so overwhelming I rarely left her. As she got older is started to get a little easier to do the things I used to enjoy. If I couldn't do it by myself I could always take her with me. Well fast forward to today. The boys will be 8 weeks later this week. When I was pregnant I continued to be given the advice "It's so important to take time for yourself." Well, that's easier said than done. A lot has changed since the addition of Shrek and Donkey. I have gone from a family of 3 to a family of 5. I resigned from a job that I really enjoyed, mostly, to become a stay at home mom. Finding a moment for myself has been difficult to say the least. The guilt has remained with me, this time doubled. I feel guilty about everything. I always have....I call it my Catholic guilty, even though I'm not Catholic. I feel guilty about having twins. One baby is hard, twins is doubly so. Like newborns Shrek and Donkey cry, a lot. They are demanding and do not have the patience to wait a minute. I have told Mr. Hubs frequently I'm not sure where my days go. I look up and it's already time to start dinner and I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I feel guilty leaving Shrek and Donkey with anyone. Not only is there the typical newborn issues, there is the issue of feeding them at the same time, comforting them and keeping your sanity if they both start crying at the same time. I feel guilty subjecting anyone, even Mr. Hubs, to this for any length of time. In addition to Shrek and Donkey I have Diva who anytime I go anywhere she wants to be with me. This makes alone time non-existent. So, I continue to have big plans. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks... *sigh* I told Mr. Hubs I would like to go shopping. This is something I have always loved to do. In my mind I would like to do this by myself, but in reality I know that 1.) I will feel way to guilty to leave Shrek and Donkey with Mr. Hubs and 2.) Diva will want to come with me. She will cry and throw a fit and I will feel bad and take her with me. I've also been planning to start exercising again. Because the aftermath of twins is not a good thing. I lost all the weight I gained and then some, but things are not as they should be. I used to really like exercising and used it as my stress reliever. These days I eat to relieve my stress. The logistics of when I will exercise are daunting to me. Shrek and Donkey take about 3 naps a day. Napping at the same time is hit and miss. One usually needs a lot more encouragement to nap than the other. As a result I am constantly patting bottoms, sticking pacifiers in mouths and running back and forth in between them. This goes on until it's time to feed them again. My mantra lately has been "this is only temporary. It will get easier!" It will, won't it? In the evenings Diva is home and demanding our undivided attention. It is a mad dash to get everyone bathed and in bed at decent bedtimes. Diva is a child who thrives on routine and needs a lot of sleep. We all suffer if she stays up late too often. By the time everyone is asleep and in bed Mr. Hubs and I are exhausted and need a few minutes to decompress ourselves. This is usually the first time we get to talk to each other! So, finding time? I'm still working on that. It's only temporary, it will get least that's what I am going to keep telling myself.

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