Thursday, February 9, 2012

What If?

I think "what ifs" are an inevitable part of life.
I had big plans to blog about Diva's 5th birthday party, my brother or about my new "niece" Scarlett that was born last night. I'm sure I will get to those soon. But....
I'm tired. Maybe a little grumpy. And I received a letter in the mail today that has me festering. It's not an unusual letter. I get a few of them during the course of the year. Each and every time I get this letter it's like a punch in the gut. Old wounds are open. I think the intention of the letter is to be comforting. It never is. It takes me right back to June 2, 1990 each and every time.
I am part of an exclusive circle I never wanted to join. My letter is from the Victim's Services Office in Texas. My biological father, Kevin, was beat to death when I was 9. I get notified every time the man who committed the crime comes up for parole. I have to write a victim impact statement to the board and tell them my reasons for protesting Mr. Morales' parole. It's complicated now. Mr. Morales was released from the Texas Department of Corrections 2 years ago on a technicality. The way my Advocate explained it to me was that the Texas Parole Board is given 90 days to review parole applications. They did not make it to Mr. Morales' folder so he was released because they did not have time to review his file. Salt in the wound. Since then Mr. Morales has violated his probation. The letter I received today stated there was a warrant out for him. They will keep me updated.
I suppose I should preface the next part with this:
I was adopted by my paternal grandparents. I call them Mom & Dad. I have always called my biological parents Lisa and Kevin. That's just what I have always done. Life is complicated. 
What ifs have been a big part of my life~ even now. I always wonder "What if?" There are a thousand what ifs that I play through my mind regularly. What if things had turned out differently? What if I didn't have such a unique history? What if Kevin had lived? That last one always leads to the next inevitable questions...What would he be like? How would he be with my kids? How would life be different if I never had to write a Victim Impact Statement?
I can't say I'm angry with Mr. Morales. I gave up on that years ago. It did no good. Nothing changed. I still have very few memories of Kevin. I have very few pictures. I am just left with a lot of questions. What I feel when I don't feel numb is a lot of heartbreak. I'm heartbroken about everything that he missed out on. I'm heartbroken that I never got to know him. This just leads to more 'what ifs'. You can see how it's a vicious circle.
Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer tonight. I would like to say that I am unaffected by these letters~I can't. Tomorrow is a new day.

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