Skip to main content

What If?

I think "what ifs" are an inevitable part of life.
I had big plans to blog about Diva's 5th birthday party, my brother or about my new "niece" Scarlett that was born last night. I'm sure I will get to those soon. But....
I'm tired. Maybe a little grumpy. And I received a letter in the mail today that has me festering. It's not an unusual letter. I get a few of them during the course of the year. Each and every time I get this letter it's like a punch in the gut. Old wounds are open. I think the intention of the letter is to be comforting. It never is. It takes me right back to June 2, 1990 each and every time.
I am part of an exclusive circle I never wanted to join. My letter is from the Victim's Services Office in Texas. My biological father, Kevin, was beat to death when I was 9. I get notified every time the man who committed the crime comes up for parole. I have to write a victim impact statement to the board and tell them my reasons for protesting Mr. Morales' parole. It's complicated now. Mr. Morales was released from the Texas Department of Corrections 2 years ago on a technicality. The way my Advocate explained it to me was that the Texas Parole Board is given 90 days to review parole applications. They did not make it to Mr. Morales' folder so he was released because they did not have time to review his file. Salt in the wound. Since then Mr. Morales has violated his probation. The letter I received today stated there was a warrant out for him. They will keep me updated.
I suppose I should preface the next part with this:
I was adopted by my paternal grandparents. I call them Mom & Dad. I have always called my biological parents Lisa and Kevin. That's just what I have always done. Life is complicated. 
What ifs have been a big part of my life~ even now. I always wonder "What if?" There are a thousand what ifs that I play through my mind regularly. What if things had turned out differently? What if I didn't have such a unique history? What if Kevin had lived? That last one always leads to the next inevitable questions...What would he be like? How would he be with my kids? How would life be different if I never had to write a Victim Impact Statement?
I can't say I'm angry with Mr. Morales. I gave up on that years ago. It did no good. Nothing changed. I still have very few memories of Kevin. I have very few pictures. I am just left with a lot of questions. What I feel when I don't feel numb is a lot of heartbreak. I'm heartbroken about everything that he missed out on. I'm heartbroken that I never got to know him. This just leads to more 'what ifs'. You can see how it's a vicious circle.
Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer tonight. I would like to say that I am unaffected by these letters~I can't. Tomorrow is a new day.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Hurt So Good

Ever done something that hurts, is hard, and you want to quit, but when you are done it feels so good??? That's how this week has gone for me. This week on my fitness tour brought me to Revved Fitness.  And it hurt so good.
Revved is almost identical to Orangetheory. They do a combination of cardio and strength. You wear a heart rate monitor and the goal is to to elevate your heart rate and work in certain zones. The only difference I noticed is that Revved uses stationary bikes for cardio and Orangetheory uses treadmills.
Revved offers a 7 day trial for $10. I signed up online and went to my first class Monday morning. Monday morning came and was stormy, early, and a line was almost out the door when I arrived. Yikes! I signed in and wandered into the room. It was a BIG class. All the bikes were full, and there were people on rowers and the strength area. The trainer split us in half. Half the class started with strength the other half started with cardio. I got in the strength …

I See The Light....

When I left you guys I had just taken a new part time job! Happy to say that is going well. I started the week of Spring Break, so that was not the best timing, but it worked out. Then the kids were in school for a week and our Oklahoma teachers walked out. Thankfully #1 cheers at a gym that is full of teenage girls willing to babysit. I won't lie. There have been some growing pains, and I still haven't figured out how to keep up with my laundry. There are days I work well past 2pm and the kids beat me home from school. Every highway in TTown is under construction and getting downtown to work by 8am is nearly impossible. I think it is understood by my new employers that I will be perpetually late for eternity because they are never going to finish the construction. But, overall I like my new job. I like being around grown ups, and the extra $$$ is a nice perk.
Spring time in the Mayer house is notoriously a busy busy time for us. We have millions of end of the school year thin…

That's Gonna Hurt

HEY Y'ALL!!!! It's me again!! hahahahaha....life has a way of zipping by, doesn't it? Life has been going by at warp speed around here. I'm still working. I only regret it twice a week :( I would by lying if I said I didn't miss being at home. I miss the day to day stuff, and I hate paying a babysitter. It breaks my heart when one of the kids tell me they miss me, or they wish I didn't work. However, the extra income is nice. Seeing Mr. Mayer not as stressed about finances is nice, and I feel like I am contributing.
My main reason for getting a job remains. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. Considering my genetic makeup if that's all that I have, I'm okay with it. I was medicated for a long time. I stopped taking my medications two years ago and have been able to keep a handle on myself for a long time. However, I had a bad month in December. Besides the normal Christmas stress, my wheels were stolen, which added another…